Growing Forward

"What am I doing? Where am I going? What do I really want to be when I grow up?" I often ask myself these kinds of questions. I figured that was part of being a growing person.

Talking with a friend today helped me step back and look at different ways to ask "life's persistent questions." In a discussion about life transitions, we explored the idea of moving toward or being pulled by something positive, rather than being repelled or pushed by something negative. If we listen to those positive "callings" we can follow the positive flow of energy. If we wait until something negative pushes or repels us, then we must deal with that negative energy and expend more of our energy just maintaining our balance.
Much of my self-discovery in the past few years has revolved around finding balance. Learning to listen can help us find it. In this simple act of listening, we can find energy as well as wisdom, and these equip us for action. It seems so simple, but of course, like anything, it takes practice - with that first act of listening.

Making a practice of listening, such as in meditation, yoga, or prayer, is only one part of the puzzle. Asking questions that help me constantly re-define my goals - the target I should be feeling magnetized toward - is another. That is where my random questions have needed refining. Will I get anywhere asking "Where am I going?" What if I ask, "Where to I want to go?" The "where" being a state of development, not a geographical place.

I have, for many years, laid out expectations for a wide range of possibilities. This has led to feeling scattered, unfocused, and less able to reach any particular goal. How could I when my energy was divided up into little pieces and spread out?
I'm learning to ask different questions. My target needs to be one well-defined possible outcome, not several possibilities. This tendency toward various possibilities was a defense mechanism of sorts, putting more emphasis on fall-back plans than on my ultimate goals. So much so that I lost sight of the goals. I had forgotten how to ask myself what I really wanted, not just what I thought I "should or could" be doing. My goals should reflect my passions and unique talents, not just my skills.
By exploring my passions, by listening to my core, I can find out both what I Want to be doing and what I Should be doing, as they are likely intertwined.

I'm learning to listen, differently, for "way to open." I'm learning to identify the questions to test, and what a "good" answer should feel/look like. For me, it's a feeling that washes over me like the warm, golden light of sunrise over the mountains, with a little pink thrown in when it's really spectacular.
I am learning to refine my objectives, as my goal may be malleable. I must practice recalibrating and redefining on a regular basis, reflecting on the perspective I have at a given time when looking toward my goal. New information needs to be considered. Perhaps a more efficient way to achieve my goal has emerged. Goal-tending.

In my university classes, I have been asked to explore similar questions in order to identify my Mission Statement, Vision Statement, Values, etc., as part of my business/career and marketing plans. In my classes I struggled with focusing on these targets. I was able to stay "focused enough" to do the class work, but every time I review my Mission and Vision Statements, I feel they are inaccurate. But improving the wording has been a struggle; partly because my goals were fuzzy.
In reading them, I see that I was fishing for too many possibilities rather than having a "defined" goal. Defined, refined, redefined.
"Connect with the target, not to the way or means of getting there," said my friend, who is a creativity coach. "Always ask Why," in order to get to the How.
She prompted me to "reel in" all those random possibilities, gather up all that energy and recalibrate. At first I felt deflated - how can I reel in all those intentions? Then, I began to see the value of having that creative energy back with me. I can ask different questions. I can add new information. I can listen, I can be open.

In a few days, I'll be headed back to school for the final year of my BFA. There are many unanswered questions regarding what comes next. Why do I want to apply to grad school? Why do I want to teach? Why do I feel drawn to fibers and sculpture? Why do I even want to be an artist?

I feel a bit like the orb-weaving spider gathering up her silk, preparing to re-spin her web. It will be even more functional than the last one. And more beautiful.

~Julia